every winter

every winter
your ghost haunts me

like a cool breeze
it finds it's way to me

it whispers memories
and my heart breaks again

but if winter came without ghosts
it would be unbearably warm

untitled

love will find it's own way
death will take it's own life
hate will eat itself alive
fear will scare itself out

let's take care of ourselves
and the things we can change
for battles were meant to kill
and worry will only steal hope

bottom

is it hard to see me
through the bottom of the glass
it is hard to face things
when your time has passed

there's broken pieces
of your suddenly shattered fate
must be hard to bend
when you can't stand up straight

hitting bottom
was never meant to end there
i'm waiting for you
but i am wondering if you care

friend

wonder if she every thinks
if she ever thinks of me
where I was that day
wonder if she regrets it
placing me among them all

I should have been by you
I would stand by your side
proud to be your friend
taking care of your needs
supporting your choice
and celebrating your joy

but I wast choosen that day
I was forced to watch it all
from the other side of action
in my looking glass you look happy
but I wish I was beside you that day

anything

i'd give anything.
i'd stop everything.
i'd shut it out.
i'd forget it all.
i'd look straight.
i'd move forward.

for this to begin.

and forever
we'd be changed.

letters to self

I am writing a letter
a letter to myself
I shall never send it
I will keep it with me

I just can't face it
these things I write
the truth is biting
and I am brutal

I just had to be honest
so many failures
I had to mention them
the dreams never pursued

I write because I care
because I am let down
I have been hurt
and your to blame

I can't send it
I will just seal it
the truth sits
never to be opened

my courtney, my courtney

my courtney, my courtney
you are on my mind
my baby, my baby
'bout you all the time

i miss you, i miss you
when you've just gone
oh honey, oh honey
don't be to long

your always, your always
on the tip of tounge
i hear you, i hear you
in each song I sung

my sweetie, my sweetie
I'm feeling so alone
my courtney, my courtney
baby please come home

your letter

I got your letter today
it spoke to me
I heard every word
like it was all for me
the sounds raised me up
then knocked me down
it felt like the ocean
and only I could hear it

I saw your letter today
it was on a shelf
with a price tag on it
it is buried in the middle
surrounded by others
I wanted to hide it
even though I have it
I bought your letter again

heard your letter this morning
it came blaring out
to awake me
from my clock radio
I wondered who else
who else awoke to your words
what could it mean to them
did they really hear it

I saw your letter today
it was on my tv set
it was put to images
I didn't understand
I see you singing it
but know you're just pretending
just moving your lips
to words that meant so much

I heard your letter today
it went zooming by me
from a car going to fast
I only saw them for a moment
but knew they couldn't understand
how could they ever
they didn't hear it
not like I did

I heard your letter today
it filled the arena
bouncing off the walls
and off the cheers
it never sounded this big
and felt so small
it wasn't for me
no longer just mine

I listened to your letter today
it had been a while
I didn't expect much
but it all happened again
my heart found the beat
again it filled my little room
and it just for me
thanks for understanding

reflection.

night falls.
the madness sets in.
the mirror.
it stares at me.
myself.
it's all I can focus on.
the fire.
it starts up all around.
the world.
it is burning to the ground.
everyone.
they scream for my help.
selfish.
I can only hear my voice.
black.
all I feel is darkness.
dawn.
the sun rises all around.
light.
I turn to see the brightness.
ashes.
they cover the ground.
lost.
it's all gone, taken away.
alone.
the only one left.
myself.
I am the only one to blame.
guilt.
I am just being selfish again.

waiting

each day I wait
and each day you come

but everyday I think
what if she didn't

what if i was alone
all of the sudden

it frightens me
and I comforted by that

of course I would wonder
where has she gone

I would cry and panic
and search

but if you never came
and I was alone

it's haunting
waiting for eternity

could I start again
begin a new life

could I stop looking
and start walking

could I forget
could I look forward

or would I just be waiting
forever waiting

thinking not of myself
but waiting for you

in tune.

the music.
it surrounds us.
it's always there.
i hear it.
i feel it.

it's in the air.
all around us.
it's inside.
in our veins.
in our hearts

my hearts beats.
to the rhythm.
of your heart beats.
as we lie together.
they beat together.

the percussion steady.
moving along the music.
pushing out the blood.
the life of the music.
to the tips of our fingers.

we strum slowly.
we touch each other calmly.
the song begins.
the beat and rhythms.
they take shape.

whispered words.
the lyrics emerge.
they fill the air.
meeting the music.
bringing the tension.

as we draw closer.
the song fully breaks.
our low sounds.
become the bass.
the underlying drive.

the song.
the music.
it fills the room.
it is beyond us.
it is between us.

the music.
we listen.
we hear it.
we feel it.
we are it.

the emotion.
the tension.
the epic.
the quiet.
the music.

the song reaches pitch.
it's perfect.
beyond perfect.
for a moment.
the song rises and falls.

don't turn it down.
let it play.
keep it alive.
the music.
may it never end.

my hearts beats.
to the rhythm.
of your heart beats.
as we lie together.
they beat together.

gracie

today you are leaving
"moving to a new school"
beyond any control of your own
you are just a child
three years of age
but someday you will grow

will you remember me
i'm only in your life a moment
i taught you the best I knew
you took it all in with a smile
you have learned so much
but your heart is so young now

someday your heart will grow
someday it will be broken
and broken again
far from the place you are now

but it will heal
and you will make your own new start
but could you remember me

the art you will create
as your heart grows will fill rooms
it will fill books and galleries
but for now the fridge doors
of all that you love

I thank you that I am one
for now
and hope that you know who you are
for always

I awake

The dawn gently awakens me
The sun seeps into the window
It doesn't jolt me
It doesn't poke
It reaches for me
It's warm hand touches my back

A gentle dawn
Follows a dispairing sundown
A comforting morning
After a mournful night

My eyes open to let in the light
To destroy the darkness
The holy spirit awakens in my heart
To kill the demons within it

God awakens me with the sun
To tell me today is renewal
With His warm gentle light
It offers forgiveness

I awake

your mixtape

i broke it
it's in pieces
all over the floor
gears, reels, magnetic tape
everywhere

it takes a lot to break it
the plastic is resistant
it tried to protect the memory
the label was the first to go
i ripped it off
your writing gone
but traces of the sticker
still graced the body
i had to destroy it

my fist hit the plastic
at first carefully
with rage i bashed it
it wouldn't let me in
it tried to stop me
but i couldn't hear it
not again

finally the surface cracked
the sound of breaking
breaks the silence
a long crack across the surface
this won't do
it will still play

i lift it
think of trying to play it
but at the same moment
i throw to the wall
it hits
it shatters
like fireworks on the fourth

the room is all at once
filled with memories
silent but loud
the music is gone

the songs you carefully chose
they are scattered across my room
the reels roll
unraveling what we built

now i sit in silence
i miss you
but i don't want to
i couldn't hear it again
it hurt to much

i had to do this
each song brought me back
each time
i had to do it all again
9 years in 90 minutes

side A
we meet
we flirt
we date
we kiss
we laugh
we dream
we play

side b
we make love
we sleep
we run
we move
we lie
we cry
we try

i smashed it
i couldn't do it anymore

i have to make sure
make sure it is still there
i can't take this silence
i can't be without the sound

i take part of the tape
that lies across my bed
across the bed we shared
i take the strip of memory

i run it across
the black tape
across the playhead
it is only a second
a lyric
one moment
but i hear it
and that's enough

for now

the shoes

i awake to the first day of the rest of life
i shower to remove the dirt of last night
and the last decade of my life
i get dressed slowly with no mirror
then as always, i go to put them on
but they are not there, i left them behind

they were now a beat up old pair
they had breaks in the soul from years
years of carrying me and making prints
the design was ripping, falling apart
what once seemed bright and exciting
was now dull and uncomfortable

i bought them almost a full year before you
they fit perfect, more than any pair ever had
a pair of shoes to live by, i told myself
as i stood on the dirty street in Germany
more faithful than any person in lm life
but now i realize i left them with you
when i finally walked out last night

i wore them the first time i met you
kicking invisible rocks as i flirted as best i could
they were with me on our first date
they walked you to your door when i was nervous
they pushed the gas petal as we drove
searching for the best holiday lights we could find

they were with me when i first thought i loved you
i stared at them as i contemplated what to do
they walked next to you as i told you i wanted life with you
they were there as i kneeled down to ask you
they helped me stand proud when you said yes
they carried you over the thresh hold the first time

i threw them on the night of our very first fight
they were a constant in a changing world
they took me places i never wanted to go
they sat at the end of our bed as we fought
they were my ride here and my ticket out
i stood in them when i said i couldn't love you

i wore them last night just as i always would
there was no thought to it i suppose
but as things seemed to be coming down
i took them off under the same table i always had
it was our house once, and it may be again
but as the night grew on, i found i was not home

you told me to leave, as i already started to go
i must have thrown on a pair that was still around
one that meant nothing, but got me out quick
i drove off in a hurry, leaving you behind
this was the last time i would see you
but i didn't know i was leaving the memories

i can see them now, under the table
i left us there, at the house with you
they that got me everywhere, that meant something
the one faithful thing, the thing i could trust
now, they are with someone i never could
but i suppose it's all for the best

so i start over today, the first day of the rest
i need to find a new way to step
i can't miss you anymore, only the memories
i must start without you, and without them
i have to find a new path to walk
and i need a new pair to brace me along

thoughts on music EP

1.
the needle lays deep
in the record of my life
the whole worlds spinning
and i got this music inside

2.
i raised myself on what moved me to grow
i taught myself by the music i wanted to know

3.
i was healed by the songs of the broken
found faith in the songs of the hopeless
i heard it all
i learned it all
through music

4.
our love was built on the songs of the brokenhearted
our hearts grew closer through the songs of pain

5.
i felt God in the music, heard him between the lines
he came right through my stereo, and touched my life

folk song

you hear me coming
you lie in bed each night
waiting to hear the train
with your eyes closed
you hear it in the distance

so faint at first
you drift off for a moment
but awake again
to the sound of it rushing
the whistle pierces you

you are overwhelmed
you take it all in
the train runs you over
it's there for a moment
but soon it fades away

my train will come
i'm coming in a week
but i am not sure
not sure i can take it
and see you again

each night you hear it
the train in the distance
waiting for the one
the one that carries me
back into your arms

the days are like a field
a field in winter time
once so full of life
but for now just memories
waiting for spring to arise

finally the day comes
you wear your best dress
you're coming to the station
practicing your smile
hoping to see mine return

i ride the train so quiet
inside it's not so loud
the ride seems forever
i am filled with doubt
not sure i can see you

the people in the station
you see them all wait
each has a reason
to be here tonight
and you have one too

we pull into the station
i pear through the window
i see you standing there
your smile ready and nervous
you stand with arms ready

i don't think i can take it
i think i have changed
not sure i can see you
i am not ready for this
your smile starts to fade

you watch all the people
they exit in a hurry
they find there loved ones
they find there way home
but i am not there

they are making the last call
it's time to get off
the next stop is far from here
my heart is pounding
you're smile is empty

i stare out the window
and i slump down
the train starts to whistle
we are moving now
i try to look away

you stare off so longing
you look for a sign of hope
your dress looks so pretty
your face has not aged
you look just like the last time

i have changed so much
my face has just aged
my shoes are worn
the heals are all but gone
i can't let you see right now

as the train rolls past
your eyes begin to search
i think that you see me
i blink only once
you blink only once

as we gain speed
i am filled with regret
i am filled with relief
i am filled with love
i miss you more than ever

i hope you are still waiting
don't know where i'm headed
but i know where i've been
and i hope that you still love me
when i come home again

mother's voice

My name, I hear it
someone is calling me
from within my sleep
that voice, mother's
I awake in a panic
I run toward the voice
still half asleep, I run
she needs help
I run

I already know
It's just us in house
he's already gone
it's to late
I already know
but I run

I find her voice
she knells next to him
her voice calm and cracking
as she speaks to someone
Help on the line
she pushes on his chest
her voice screaming and begging
Please please
Her voice breaking
Her heart follows

I stand stunned
nothing i can do
nothing to save him
nothing to help her
he's already gone
here they come
to take him away

Just me and her
as we return home
the house is empty
without him
Her cry breaks the silence
echoes through
through the empty

In the garden we sit
"when will it be okay?"
she ask frightfully
it will never be okay
but we'll be okay
she sighs

Her voice, her cries
they still echo
in my head
I can only see flashes
but her voice rings clear
mother's voice
the day her love died

easter

march 19, 2008

I can’t begin to understand the pain
I can’t understand the hurt

As I take on the sins of one man
The guilt, it overwhelms me
How it must have felt to be You
You took them all on

These sins eat at my heart
They chew through my soul
As your body was beaten and broken
Your insides must have been excruciating

The guilt I take on weighs me down
My shoulders feel heavy now
As they spread out Your arms
You accept it all at once

These hands do things I despise
They then pray to You
Your hands were pierced deeply
For no crime of your own

These feet bring me places
I should never go
Your feet were nailed
To a place never deserved

These breaths are wasted
As I speak of nothing worthwhile
You struggled to breathe
And asked God to forgive them

This heart breaks in two
As I realize what I’ve done
Your hearts a million pieces
For people You’ll never see

I die to myself
And still forget my promise
You died willingly
To fulfill the promises

These sins are my own
And I give them to you
You rise again
To remove them just for me

she breathes

i awake calmly
i hear breathing
i hold my own
i listen to it closely
i don't look at her
she lies behind me
i close my eyes
i listen to her breathe
with each inhale
i take her in
with each exhale
she gives me life

inhale
she is beautiful
exhale
she inspires
inhale
she is incredible
exhale
she cares for me
inhale
i love her
exhale
she loves me

i drift off again
but still listen
the memories
they play back
she was there
she is here
she is in my mind
she is in my heart
she is in my soul
she breathes
i breathe
as one we breathe